Just fell off a train. Bad.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
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The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
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I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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