took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
