Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
