Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
