He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
