I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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