On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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