The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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