good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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