I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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