he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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