dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I still have a little drunk in my system
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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