In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
