did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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