stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
