He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
