The maid of honor just puked.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
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It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
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I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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