so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
