Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
