So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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