Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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