I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Randomize
