I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
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Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
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Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
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