new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
