I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
