Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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