Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
