New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
