God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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