I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
