Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
