I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
