She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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