I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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