Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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