Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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