i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
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No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
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pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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