woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
