I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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