I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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