Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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