Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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