you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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