Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
