I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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