I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize