i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's blow job season.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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