dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
