When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
