2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
