I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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