i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
