I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
