She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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