I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
3 2 1 whiskey
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
